Age:  Mid 20s

How we met:  I picked him up at a free liquor party

I met Mr. Cigs and Bigs (he’s a big man w/ some man thighs) at one of those free liquor parties/concerts that are thrown just about every week in the city.  I saw this big, buff, chocolate black man w/ man hair standing all by himself enjoying the show, so I decided to swoop down on him. When I’m in the mood to meet men, I usually get their attention in a number of ways….on that eve, I used the bump/coy/pay compliment move.  I pretended to bump him, and then I gave him a compliment on what he was wearing.  Men like it when you pay them compliments.  This dude has a mean suit/tie game.  I always appreciate that.

It is true what the older women say, never really make the first pass at a man because it throws the whole balance off.  If a man doesn’t come out of the gate in pursuit of you, its hard to ever really recapture that energy.

To set up the date, I texted HIM and set something up for that week…I even picked the place for us to meet (a cigar bar).  On the day of the “date” by the early evening I hadn’t heard from him–which was ok because I was clearly in pursuit of him.  I know from all of these years of dating in this jungle that if a man is interested in me, he will send a message on the day we’re supposed to meet to confirm (this is what I know for sure).

So, we finally end up at the bar, and when he walks in..I’m like “damn, he’s still fine like I remember, this could be a woman down situation”.  As the evening lingered on and we smoked, and drank and smoked and drank…wine…I found myself loosening up and inching closer and closer to him–coyly playing with my hair, unzipping my jacket, letting him see a bit of exposed thigh, gently touching his thigh, his arm, his face in conversation.  I was horny.  Not going to lie. And in his maleness he sensed that.  (Wise dating rule, don’t go on a date when you ovulate, things could get hairy)

He excused himself to go to the men’s room, and I got on the phone w/ the BFF and exclaimed the words that most women know on initial contact with a man “um…he can get it, any way he wants it”… We giggled and giggled until he came back.

However.

As the evening wore on, my mind found itself–wandering off.  I couldn’t believe it.  In all of his early 20something chitchatter he was unknowingly talking himself out of the cooch, and turning me off.  Ugghhh….

The topics of discussion (money, cars, clothes) started making my eyes glaze over.  I just couldn’t believe it.  Here was a real live man turning me off with his talking.

We hopped in a cab and headed towards my apartment.  I was slightly confused because he stays in another borough (not even close to my apartment).  So I asked… “Um, where are you going”… He said he was going to see me home, and take  the train from there.  I’m like I bet…he’s waiting to see if I am going to invite him up.

When we got to the lobby of my building, I gave him an awkward hug and bid him good night.  I know my horny woman signals probably confused him, but again…this ain’t sex in the city, and we don’t do one-hitter quitters on 31dates.  He’s fine, but he ain’t that fine.

After it’s all said and done, if he stops his chit chatting and if he sticks around for a while, he will most likely win.  All 4 bases. Score.

**this picture has nothing to do w/ this post…but I found it hilarious*

Occupation:  Entertainment Industry

Age:  Early 30s

Looks like:  Common, the rapper

How we met:  A hookup through a mutual friend

To honor our ‘no drama’ policy with these dates, I deleted this guy from my contact list after the first 2 times we attempted to link up the plans fell through.  It took about 4 attempted dates, 3 weeks and 10s of text messages before we actually saw each other face to face.  It was like we were already in a relationship before we even started.  All drama. (strike 1)  By this point, I was totally uninterested, but decided to go along and see what he looked like, and to get a few laughs and to relax.  I enjoy male company.

I arrived at a cute little bar down in SOHO…and he was running about 15 minutes late.

I was neither surprised or disappointed considering his track record.  Overall, the date went ok.

I learned that he’s a chronic weed smoker (strike two).  We chitchatted the whole night, and as he continued to play on his mobile device,…I watched him and smirked to myself.  I found my mind wandering aimlessly as he talked…I thought he sounded a lot wittier and cuter via text message (strike 3).  Compelling conversation and witty jokes can keep me mildly interested.  It doesn’t take much to wrangle me down…

Overall, he seemed like a dude I could put in my friend category.  He seems like he knows how to have a good time, but I’m off the dudes who smoke all of that weed in their 30s.  Its just a sign of immaturity to me.

I’ve definitely been on both sides of this coin…

This is a story of Boy Meets Girl…of the fabulous start to a More-Than-Just-Friendship…of Girl’s gift for soul-searching, Boy’s need for soul-mating…and the inevitable heartbreaking ending. It’s a simple story that you’ll recognize instantly if you’ve ever been its male lead: if you’ve ever loved a lovely girl who lost that loving feeling. I tell it not to taunt you, Boy, but to reveal your error and to spare your kin. For it’s not that “she’s not that into you.” It’s just that she’s that into everyone.

[ The Story ]

1.

Boy meets Girl where boys meet girls: online, in a bar, at the gym, through a friend. He finds her cute, but it’s not love at first sight. No. It’s love at first conversation.

Boy takes Girl out, or calls her up—and just like that, they start to talk. And talk. And talk. The place shuts down, the park clears out, and still they’re talking. It’s almost like they’re doing a dance, flowing seamlessly from this to that: his parents, his friends, his ex’s, sex, his job, his dreams, his insecurities.

Hours slip by. Confessions slip out. Boy hasn’t once checked his iPhone clock. He’s found himself feeling remarkably clever: interested, and in equal measure, interesting. Girl bobs and weaves from witty banter to searing insight to sexual innuendo, every so often giggling with the levity of a child. Boy shares things about himself he’s never shared with anyone. About which Girl makes cogent comments so dead-on they scare him.

By the time they stop talking he’s raw with exposure. Tingling all over. Brimful and spent. Boy has no idea WTF just happened, but he wants it to happen again.

And it does.

Big Conversation #1 is followed by Big Conversations #2-20. The more Boy talks, the more Girl listens. She gives advice. She understands. It’s like she’s Boy’s very own little personal Oprah in drawstring scrubs and a wifebeater.

Before Boy knows it, he’s calling Girl daily. Texting, e-mailing, IM’ing from work. He’s never met a girl this witty, deep, and/or down-to-earth in his life. It’s almost like she’s not a girl (besides her wildly-increasing good looks). She swears like a trucker, jokes about sex, and eats him under the table. Soon, he can’t stop smiling around the office, remembering something she said last night. He’s catching himself doing the little things she says he does (e.g. avoiding confrontation, slouching). Somehow it doesn’t bother Boy that Girl makes a point of correcting his flaws. He finds the sharp tongue sexy, and adores the cutting wit.

See Girl, sexy.
See Boy, sprung.
It must be that he’s into her.

2.

Weeks pass. The magic doesn’t. Is this Boy’s soul mate? Could this be L***? Sure, they haven’t put a label on what they’re doing. But he’s a boy: he doesn’t need to. Sure, certain things stick out to him: (1) the majority of Girl’s “closest friends” are boys; (2) she never says whether she’s doing whatever they’re doing with someone else. But Boy doesn’t care. When he adds it all up⎯how well she understands him, how quickly they clicked⎯Boy knows Girl is something special. And, come on. Let’s be frank. Girl’s a girl. Eventually, she’ll come knocking on his door, asking for a commitment, as all girls do. He’ll just wait.

And so Boy waits.

And waits. And waits. And waits. His boys start to ask, “What’s up with your girl?” He scoffs at their chiding; they don’t understand. Boy has never felt so comfortable so soon with so sexy a woman in his life. Yeah, she’s a little skittish about commitment⎯but so is he, and all of his friends. It’s refreshing to have finally found a girl who isn’t trying to tie him down. It works. Girl doesn’t like to rush into things and Boy doesn’t want a relationship. If anything, he finds it funny how much her game resembles his.

She’s constantly using lines on him he swears he’s used on other girls, e.g. “Why do we have to define what we’re doing? We’re just having fun.” Indeed. There’s a bit of the pimp in this girl and he likes it. A bit of the player. The smooth operator. He’s amused by her coy-and-coquettish pretensions. He likes the way she flirts. Besides. For all her neo-Bohemian talk about “who needs labels?” and “we’re just friends,” Girl always sounds so happy when he calls, and is always so willing to talk.

He’s never met another person (boy or girl) this interested in him. Girl never stops asking questions or developing theories about Boy’s life. Everything about him fascinates her: his childhood hurts, his wildest dreams, his deepest secrets, his greatest fears—above all, his past relationships. Girl gets him. And she gets to him. He tells her things he’s never told. Something about her inspires his trust, and she rewards that trust with counsel. She admonishes him to be more courageous, encourages him to pursue his dreams, soothes his guilt, and echoes his conscience: You’re stronger than you know.

See Girl, believing in Boy.
See Boy, believing her.
It must be that she’s into him. How else does she do it?

Every so often she’ll look at him with eyes so clearly seeing that he’d leave the room, were the feeling of exposure not so oddly freeing. In Girl, Boy finds the unprecedented chance to show the self he knows the least ⎯ to tell the truths and be the things he hides the best and fears the most. In her gentle voice, Girl shines a light on the hurts of his past and his fears for the future, showing him what she sees in him: a wonderful, powerful Man.

It’s a wonderful, powerful (beguiling) thing: Girl’s singular gift for affirmation, the knowledge of what Boy needs to hear and the vocabulary words to say it. Every time Boy starts to heed his boys and believe that Girl’s not into him, they’ll have another tête-à-tête some five, six hours long. The night winds down, the sun comes up, and still he’s sharing, telling, talking⎯baring his frail and truest self for Girl’s most gentle purview.

How could she be faking it? There’s such a Deep Connection. It’s obvious that Girl is into him. She’s just afraid to show it. She’s been hurt before. She’s in a “difficult space.” She’s in “a complicated situation” (still). She has a needy ex. Her ex wants her back (who wouldn’t?). She is confused. She cares for Boy, but not “like that”—or so she says (as said, she’s confused). Girl doesn’t know what she wants right now. But Boy knows what she needs.

She needs to learn to trust again. She needs a source of stability. In time she’ll see what she has in Boy. And Boy will be there waiting. He will help Girl mend her fearful heart ⎯ the least he can do in return for her care. She will work up the courage to confess her love. He is certain already of his.

3.

Poor Boy.

Weeks pass. And with them, the magic. Girl and Boy fall out of synch. They still share private jokes, Pad Thai, a Deep Connection, and movie nights. They laugh and joke. She spends the night. He wipes her tears. She hears his cry. He does things for her (i.e. heavy lifting); she chooses things for him (i.e. flat-front pants). But he calls her once, and there’s a man in the background. When he calls her back, she’s too tired to talk. Something is changing with subtlety and suddenness, and Boy doesn’t know what it is.

Perhaps this is Girl’s moody side? The ying to her Kenzo-scented yang? Perhaps Boy is obliged to accept this second dimension, as Girl has accepted him. But the more he tries to accommodate Girl and her Friends-With-Benefits-In-Perpetuity paradigm, the more annoyed she seems to become, the more hostile even, confrontational. It’s almost as if Girl wants to provoke him, to get him to react to her (steadily-increasing) jabs. Soon the signs are obvious. There are other boys. Boy turns to his friends. They insist: she’s not that into him.

But Boy cannot accept this.

What about that First Conversation? What about their Deep Connection? Unless Girl is a sociopath, she must be feeling something. How could they talk for six hours straight if they didn’t share a mutual bond? Why did Girl spend the night last night if she doesn’t know what she wants? Why does she bother to affirm, to encourage, to admonish even⎯if she doesn’t care? How do you explain how Girl makes him feel, if she’s not that into him?

She’s that into everyone.

[ The "G" ]

Girl is of a certain type. Let’s call it the Type-G Personality. A Type-G woman (or, for simplicity’s sake, a “G”) is deeply fascinated by people. Gregarious, charming, and a consummate flirt, she is a student of the human being. Like a psychotherapist or a journalist, she loves hearing people’s stories. And how quickly she gets people’s stories out of them.

By the time you’re on your second drink, she’s already uncovered your parent’s divorce, your fifth grade crush, your ex’s faults, your early retirement pipe dreams. There’s just something about her that makes people talk. And talk. And talk. And she knows it. If you ever want make a “G” laugh, just ask her how many times she’s heard the words: “I’ve never told anyone this before, but…”. It’s pandemic.

When a man meets a “G,” he is instantly struck by her prodigious gifts of communication: how fluently she speaks, how comfortable he feels, how well she understands him. The net effect of this fluency is the sensation of connectedness. Men are constantly telling the (unsurprised) “G” how connected to her they feel. These men are not delusional; the G connects to everyone well. The problem is, the source of the connection is her⎯not him, or them.

If he’s never met a “G” before (or hasn’t read this article), a man can easily become confused by the way a “G” makes him feel. He’ll likely assume that what he feels is a reflection of her feelings for him, or the natural product of a very unique connection between them both. He is wrong. Both his comfort with her and her interest in him are expressions of her personality—namely, the genuine listening-and-understanding capacity and impulse unique to her kind.

[ The Misconceptions ]

Let us return to Boy and Girl (circa, “See Girl Sexy, See Boy Sprung”). The First Misconception of Boy is this: that his connection with Girl is unique. Boy believes, after Big Conversation #1, that he’s found a girl so into him that she’ll talk to him for hours and hours and do it again the next night. Boy assumes that Girl went home after Big Conversation #1 just as he did: amazed by their instant connection, aroused, and eager for their next interaction.

This, of course, is human nature: the benign assumption of shared sensation (i.e. ‘what is unique for me is unique for her’; ‘this is equally new for us both’). Of course, if Boy had posed better questions to Girl, he might have discovered that she was a “G,” a girl who makes most of the boys she meets feel charming, charmed, and talkative. But Boy didn’t really ask any questions. He was just so delighted to talk so freely, that he did just that, to Girl’s delight. And hence, the problem. They’re both delighted — for different reasons entirely.

Girl is delighted to hear a new story; she’s genuinely interested in people. Boy is delighted that Girl appears so genuinely interested in him. By the time Boy makes his own subtle probes and discovers Girl’s general effect on boys, he is so convinced of the novelty of their bond that he truly believes he is different.

Oh, Boy.

The Second Misconception of Boy is this: that he is The Exception. In fairness to Girl (and to “G”s more generally), Girl never lied to Boy. A “G” is always honest about her peculiar effect on people. But each man believes he is different from the last — and that he can make help Girl change.

Girl tells Boy she won’t commit, that they’re just friends, that she’s broken hearts. But Boy believes that time will prove him worthier than his predecessors. In a classic display of cognitive dissonance, Boy dismisses the warning signs. The facts tell Boy that this is Love: they talk all night, she understands. Girl tells Boy that this is Girl: she understands most people.

To reconcile the conflicting information, Boy asserts his individuality. He is not “most people.” He is different! And because he is different, Girl will change. Of course, it doesn’t go down like that. Girl doesn’t change; she just changes her mind. Her new mantra: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” And Boy starts acting…girly. He wants to know (he needs to know!) that he’s not just another notch on her belt. She wants to know where she can find a new boy. The one she has is too into her.

[ The End ]

Our story does not end well.

Eventually, it becomes evident to the “G” (and all onlookers) that her besotted friend-with-benefits is more into her than she is into him. Yet and still, he sticks around. This, she perceives as weakness. Weakness in others is a huge turn-off for the”G,” who fears weakness in herself (and requires strength from her partner). A “G” never tires of identifying her own flaws, or seeking out ways to fix them. But she is too hard on herself, and therefore too hard on others. Even those whose potential she extols.

And here’s the rub. The “G” has a great (and genuine) fondness for the potential of her romantic partners. At some point, she was either undervalued or misunderstood, and is sympathetic to this experience in others. This is why men find it so easy to talk about their past experiences with a “G.” The little defeats that men rarely confess⎯envy of an older brother, not making the varsity team⎯instill in them the same sort of disappointment the “G” has known and overcome. The “G” knows just what questions to ask and what kind of advice to give to get a person to see himself clearly.

But before she can be a lasting partner, the “G” must learn to see herself.

Stay tuned for the follow-up: How to See the G You’re Seeing. Hint: to love a girl a lot like this, you’ll need the gift of sight.

Wanna hear it, here it goes…the types of men.

Type 1: Early adopters -

These men excuse themselves from the game REAL early. I’m talking ’bout 18, 19, 20 years old early.  They find their match early, and hold on…strong to that one and only.  For these men, really no other woman will do. Seriously.  I’ve found they take their commitment VERY seriously.  I giggled at Wikipedia’s definition of an early adopter:  ” The relationship is synergistic, with the customer having early (and sometimes unique, or at least uniquely early) access to an advantageous new product or technology. These men happen to be some of the most succesful and straight-laced men I know.  They kind of set the mold for some of the suckas (who have no clue)  

Type #2:  Mr. (fake) Monogamy -

This type of man likes relationships.  He adores the idea of monogamy. The consistent sex and a consistent warm body. And women. This type of man ALWAYS has a girlfriend/significant other.  No psuedo-boos for him, he jumps in and makes the commitment all the time.  The problem is….he just can’t really DO monogamy.   At first glance, he appears to be the adoring boyfriend.  It only takes a bit more ‘looking’ to notice that this man is a cheater is a closest cheater.  He’s the type to always have a second relationship (not just a side-piece, but a full-fledged emotional thingee on the side)   This type of man will ALWAYS have a relationship, but on the flip-side he’ll always have another woman (quiet as kept of course).    This man always has a willing victim because a lot of women choose to ignore his grimy undertones for the reward of a ‘relationship’.  This is one of the most dangerous types of men to get involved with.  His lack of honesty to himself about himself and the woman’s lack of intuition (or refusal to accept her man’s stealth mode status) always lead to some huge disaster.  Whether it’s 5 months or years down the road.  Watch out for this man.

Type #3:  Monkey seers Monkey Doers

This type of man goes head first into a relationship only because his “friends are doing it.”  You’ll  notice this man quite quickly.  He turns around and sees that almost all of his boys are getting locked down, so the next woman who comes along he quickly (too fast) makes her his girlfriend and most likely his wife.  What’s unique about this dude, is that he doesn’t do any analysis on whether the “girl” fits or is compatible with who he is. He just reacts to his external environment and picks the woman who happens to meander into his life at that particular time.  His mantra is “timing is everything”. Not so. This man is dangerous to overly starved single women who want to get married or who hate the “single” life. The offering of a “wedding” and quick commitment appeals to her, but she’ll get more than what she bargained for when she realizes she was only “chosen” because her man needed a fill’in so that he could emulate what his other boys were doing.  All bad. All sad.  But we all get what we pay for???

Type #4 Mr. Diminishing Possibilities

These type of men  wake up one day and decide they want a girlfriend.  So. they pick the next girl that comes along.  Fit and compatibility and connection are disregarded…all for the sake of just having someone to fill the hole.  This type is very similar to Mr. Monkey Do, except he doesn’t go quite as far as marriage.

Type #5 Mr. Missing out on life

This type of man is normally single well until his late 30s and early 40s and he probably most likely…almost always has a kid out-of-wedlock.   This man has always felt that he would be “missing out on life” if he participated in a committed relationship– so he just roams around willy nilly.

This man is unaware and dangerous because he blames his single status on “never finding the right woman.”  Clueless he really is. He’s not open or ready for a woman, a woman blessing and definitely not a wife.  So he blames the external–the world– on his single status.  His favorite saying is “No woman has ever made me want to commit to her” or “I’ve never met a woman who I could commit to”.  He has a new “girl” friend every 6 months because once a woman realizes he’s closed– she’s out.  This man probably wonders why he gets getting left by women, he never realizes that his lack of awareness of the woman in his present has prevented him from finding someone who could, maybe, perhaps, be completely compatible with him.  On the good side, this is good for the women who leave, because they normally leave a man who’s unaware of himself and timing and fall into a situation in which a man is aware and takes advantage of the timing.

Type #6 Mr. Eve

This type of man is really only intrigued by the women he can’t have.  He’s like Eve…he could have everything he wants/needs right in front of him, but he ignores it because its accessible.  This type of man only is intrigued by the unavailable.  As such, he usually mistakes lust and limerence for love…because those feelings are unearthed when the lady he desires rejects him.  Her rejection of him makes him feel alive because he is allowed to chase.  He’s a man, so he wants to chase.  He needs the chase in order to be really interested.  However, steer clear of this man.  Now, how will you know this man??  Well, when this guy recounts his previous ‘loves’…you will notice that he was generally never in a relationship with the object of affection.  There was no reciprocity, hell, the girl probably didn’t even know that he really existed.  Yet in Mr. Eve’s mind, it was love…true love…real love… because no other girl has ever made him feel that way (rejected)…lol  Lastly, he’ll only consider a woman who rejects him and is not that into him.  Available, Accessible women need not apply.

Type #7 :  Mr. Actualizer

Mr. Actualizer is actually one of the best type of men to date.  He’s played the field, sowed his oats, and did whatever else he needed to do–so he doesn’t feel the need to outlive, relive, and continuously live his early 20 days.  He doesn’t feel like his life has passed him by, so he’s open and available to life’s possibilities.  This man knows himself, knows what he likes and his aware of his previous mistakes.  He’s also not a follower, so the monkey-do tendencies will never be him.  He is susceptible to male peer pressure, but once he reaches a certain age, he can kind of thug shrug the pressure off and do what he needs to do for himself, his future gal and family.  He’s dope.

My friend (E-Monae specifically) coined this term a few months ago, after a dude showed up to a place my friends and I were chilling at…. Nevertheless…

Occupation: White collar professional

How we met:  Cyber world

What he looks like: Average height, attractive brown man

Its bad when a girlfriend indoctrinate a man with a particular (unflattering) nickname because he will surely never gain favor or love from the friends. But I decided to gone on ahead and do the date anyway, for the sake of the challenge.

Me and SHSU went to a cute little place, and enjoyed an afternoon of surprisingly good food and fun. This guy knows how to pick great, moderately priced restaurants, so I knew that I was not going to be disappointed. He also knows how to follow-up, court a woman, and put the pressure on when he’s interested (all things I got out of touch with while dating some of NYC’s finest losers). But, I digress.

SHSNUP is an attractive, ambitious man with long nice hands. I personally have some type of weird hand fetish for men with nice hands. If a man has really nice hands, I normally sit and stare at them (the hands) for a very long time. For a whole lot of weird, yet funny reasons (my girls know).

I will most likely be hanging out with this guy a bit more. My initial turn-off to him was that he was a bit too aggressive–but I realized my error and too court-shippy. I have become so accustomed to the guys I meet in New York being lazy, and slow on the follow up, that when he went against the grain and put forth mucho effort…I became afraid and subsequently confused…and turned off.

It’s a shame, but he made me realize how almost all of the men I’ve dated in the past 8 years have zero courtship skills, and by entertaining that foolishness, I’ve been stunting my growth. And diminishing the possibilities of love and life.

So viva like man who knows how to court. He will surely be getting another date.

And what I’ve learned is that, good dudes can win.  My grandfather used to always say that a man must court me.   He was very particular about a man wearing proper clothes and presenting himself properly when trying to get a woman’s attention. I thought he was so damn outdated. But, surprise, surprise, as a grown woman, I now see he was on point.  We women are sometimes so damn hard on a man, who’s trying to be a man and do man things.  Let us all stay accustomed to the courtship kings of the world, and accept nothing else.

We decided that we will not take any complications from these “31 dates”.  That means that, if a man is too slow to ask for a date, if he’s not following up, or just being lazy, we will delete him from our contact list/friend list/blackberry messenger list/twitter account.  Everything.

Now, some could consider this passive aggressive, but it’s only passive aggressive if you use “delete” as a power play to get someone’s attention.  If you’re just deleting because you don’t care, we call it “assertive” and carefree.

Date #4 – Delete, Delete, Delete

Age: 41

Occupation: Man in Uniform

How we met: Through an acquaintance

What he looks like:  He is a Petite Brown Man

Summary:

Sooooo this guy. sigh. Its crazy.

I’m was shaking my head at this dude before we even went out on our first date.  I meet this guy through an acquaintance of mine via Facebook (enough said!). We ended up becoming FB friends–and I didn’t think any thing of it.

Weeks went by with no communication…then I finally met him in person quickly at a fundraising event that I was helping out with. I had friend in town, so our meeting was quick, as I was headed out to dinner.  About 2 days later I decided I will initiate the communication so I sent him a FB message saying it was great meeting him, thanks for coming to the fundraiser and I hope to see him again.

He responsed back saying “here is my number XXX, call me and lets grab something to eat”.

My first thought was like this is weird response. So I responded back saying here is my number so let me know when you are trying to meet up.

He responded back saying Sunday and I said “cool works for me let me know a location and a time sometime b4 Saturday ”

Do you think I heard from this fool???? NOPE!

On the Sunday we were supposed to hang out, I deleted him from my friends list. Is that mean? I didn’t think so, only because I really have no patience for flaky people and for people that can’t communicate a change in their plans. On Monday morning I get a voicemail bright and early apologizing that we didn’t meet up this weekend and that he was truly sorry, work was crazy, blah blah blah. I waited about 2 days to call him back and then we talked about it and I decided to give him another chance. We set up dinner plans for Thursday, I get there he is on time actually waiting on me ( which is always a plusJ).

Dinner seems to be going well we are talking, then once again the general questions come up and the age question comes up. I proceed to say I’m 26 and he tells me he is 41!!! (In my head I kept thinking…WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME!!!)

Next, he told me that he has a kid that is a freshman in college.

Lastly, just when I didn’t think it could get any worse…he told me, he was going though a divorce. WTF?!?!?!?!? 3 strikes you are OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just to knock me out for the count he proceeded to tell me he is looking for a young woman because his soon to be ex-wife is around his age and its not so realistic for her to have kids so my age was perfect cus he wants another family. Again WTF?!?!?!

I ate my food sooooo fast so I could end that date. I’d rather go out with 2 men (referencing date #1) before I do that again.  – That is all!

Through out the evening, I sang, “The American Dream” in my head a few times–hoping he didn’t notice.

Date #3 – The American Dream/ Blue Collar/ Shawty Lo…lol

Occupation: Blue Collar

How we met: At another happy hour

What he looks like: He has one of those faces that look like somebody but at the same time no body at all

Summary: So once again I met another guy at a happy hour. He was there celebrating a coworkers birthday. I was sitting with my friends just talking and laughing and the waitress brings over a glass of champagne and she says its from the gentleman at the bar. ( Felt like I was in a movie for sec..lol) I gave a smile and nodded to him and proceeded to guzzle down my glass of champagne b/c that’s my ABSOLUTE FAV drink…champagne goes straight to the brain..lol.

Later on that night I was at the bar getting another drink for myself and he makes his way on over, we start talking  and something about him seemed nice so I gave him my number (SHOCKING! I know). He called about 2 days later and we set up date at another one of my fav dinner spots in Chelsea.  Again we went through the typical 1^st date questions and then I asked “How old are you?….

His response, I just turned 39. I did a small sigh but I let it go.

This actually ended up being pretty cool date…ended up talking a lot about everything…we shall see if he becomes a repeat offender..hmmmm

I read about crazyblinddate.com in Essence Mag last month and thought—-what the hell…I’m game.  I signed both of us up with the “double “date” option thinking how much fun we would have giggling at some unsuspecting men meat in a dark dive bar.

You are NOT allowed to see what your dates look like–so we took a shot in the dark, and put out some basic requirements

• Height: 5’11″
• Age:  26-35
• Ethnicity:  African American
• Education:  College (at least)
• Religion:  Christianity
• Available for multiple days

For all of those multiple days we received an email stating: “no dates found/no matches found”….  A girl could gain a hefty load of low self esteem if she relied on that silly service

It looked like there weren’t any average height, black educated men in New York City…..

The next weekend, I decided to “loosen my standards”  on the site, and when I checked my email the following day…I HAD A DATE, *Todd*.  *ding*ding*ding *Todd was

• Height:  5’10
• Age: 25
• Ethnicity:  Irish
• Education:  Master’s Degree
• Religion:  Catholic

My biggest “wants weren’t met” but I gave myself a check up from the neck up and braced myself. This whole thang isn’t about “wants”…. sigh.

THE DATE

The evening of the date, I plopped down at the bar @ Uptown Lounge (which isn’t uptown) and ordered a cheap ass $6 martini–and waited.  I was a  smidgen early because I know that white people are always on time.  Not going to front, sometimes we black folks feel pressure to represent our WHOLE race, so I wanted to make sure that I didn’t show up my normal 30 minute, CPT.

I really wanted Todd to stand me up….

He didn’t.

My balding Blind date sat next to me, visibly nervous.  I squinted and squirmed and sighed and tried not to stare at his non-existent hairline.  Men are sensitive about that, so women are always supposed to pretend like we don’t notice.  But boy, do we notice, and laugh, and giggle about it. (Sorry its the truth)  I was confused, the hairline indicator test would put him at around 45, but his profile said 25.  I scratched my head…  And sighed, again.

Eventually the black girl charm (lil bit of shuck and jive) emerged to make calm him on down. He was laughing and making corny jokes in no time.  Working in Corporate America makes some black folks experts on making white folks comfy with us.  We’re akin to snake charmers (I kid, I kid).  Snug as little bugs in rugs.  Again, a sigh.

In his relaxed state, Todd wasn’t that bad, but I determined he HAD to be tenaciously desperate. It would’ve been easy to pretend like I was going to the bathroom and just leave.  But when I learned that he had been stood up 13 out of 16 times–I treated the man with some dignity, and stayed put. For 38 minutes.

SHORTLY after, I wished him happy hunting like an adult.

I guess even if the date is dry,  I’m going to keep a bit of integrity in this whole thing.  I guess???

THE END

The next day, he had sent me an email follow up message…..

Date #2-  Lordy Lordy Lordy!!!

Occupation: Investment Banking/Restaurant Owner

How we met: At a happy hour

What he looks like: Like an older defensive lineman

Summary:

I met this guy “Lawdy, Lawdy” at a happy hour.  He asked if we could exchange info, blah blah blah, and I gave him my email address because I don’t give out my number to strangers like that.

He started off by emailing me, then he moved over to IMing me,  ( which by the way is a very personal way to communicate with someone so I blocked him! ). We set up a date at one of my fav restaurants in Meat Packing district.

The date:

Now as far as remembering exactly what he looked like..I didn’t. So, when I arrived at the restaurant, had to ask the hostess where he was sitting. (so you could say this was a blind date too!..lol)

Dinner was pretty typical. We talked about work and the upcoming weekend, then it go into the general questions..where are you from, what college did you go to, then I asked the question…

How old are you?? His response..I’m 40!!!!!!

All I could say to myself was LORDY LORDY LORDY HE’S 40!!!!! Then he proceeded to tell me he was the youngest of 3! I couldn’t even really concentrate after that…I was on a date with my dad.

Date 1: Menage Date…WTF?!?!

Occupation: Chef

How we met:  Random Place

What he looks like: Tall, dark, and no-so handsome?

Summary: We were supposed to meet at the Bluefin restaurant in the swankylicious W Hotel.  Mr. Chef Boyardee picked this spot because he was supposed to be meeting friends there earlier to catch up with them, etc.

I arrived on time, and sat impatiently as I waited for him to stroll in 5-7 minutes late, gabbing on his phone.  (-1 point). I asked about his friend, and he said he was running late.  I assumed that his friend would be stopping by to pick up his mail and keep it moving…silly me!

We settled down for dinner, started chatting. I started feeling a bit weird because I felt I was asking a majority of the questions–  I even included spaces in between for him to ask me stuff…but didn’t get too much though.

Eventually, his friend ambled in, and plopped down at our table.  I had met this friend previous, (when I met Chef Boyardee). I said ,

Oh I didn’t realize this was him that’s picking up his stuff. He says, noooo its not him, its my other friend.

Now I have the * confused face *.  The friend  the sits down. He orders 2 drinks. Tops it off with an appetizer! WOOOOOOOWWWW (When is it EVER appropriate for your random a$$ friend to come join you on your 1^st date!!!!) The answer is Never.

So now at this point, I consider this a meange date because we are sitting in a booth and I’m in the middle talking to these fools…smh. The friend eventually leaves, we stay for about 15 minutes longer and that’s pretty much THE END! Lol