I found this article rather delightful….
I’ve definitely been on both sides of this coin…
This is a story of Boy Meets Girl…of the fabulous start to a More-Than-Just-Friendship…of Girl’s gift for soul-searching, Boy’s need for soul-mating…and the inevitable heartbreaking ending. It’s a simple story that you’ll recognize instantly if you’ve ever been its male lead: if you’ve ever loved a lovely girl who lost that loving feeling. I tell it not to taunt you, Boy, but to reveal your error and to spare your kin. For it’s not that “she’s not that into you.” It’s just that she’s that into everyone.
[ The Story ]
1.
Boy meets Girl where boys meet girls: online, in a bar, at the gym, through a friend. He finds her cute, but it’s not love at first sight. No. It’s love at first conversation.
Boy takes Girl out, or calls her up—and just like that, they start to talk. And talk. And talk. The place shuts down, the park clears out, and still they’re talking. It’s almost like they’re doing a dance, flowing seamlessly from this to that: his parents, his friends, his ex’s, sex, his job, his dreams, his insecurities.
Hours slip by. Confessions slip out. Boy hasn’t once checked his iPhone clock. He’s found himself feeling remarkably clever: interested, and in equal measure, interesting. Girl bobs and weaves from witty banter to searing insight to sexual innuendo, every so often giggling with the levity of a child. Boy shares things about himself he’s never shared with anyone. About which Girl makes cogent comments so dead-on they scare him.
By the time they stop talking he’s raw with exposure. Tingling all over. Brimful and spent. Boy has no idea WTF just happened, but he wants it to happen again.
And it does.
Big Conversation #1 is followed by Big Conversations #2-20. The more Boy talks, the more Girl listens. She gives advice. She understands. It’s like she’s Boy’s very own little personal Oprah in drawstring scrubs and a wifebeater.
Before Boy knows it, he’s calling Girl daily. Texting, e-mailing, IM’ing from work. He’s never met a girl this witty, deep, and/or down-to-earth in his life. It’s almost like she’s not a girl (besides her wildly-increasing good looks). She swears like a trucker, jokes about sex, and eats him under the table. Soon, he can’t stop smiling around the office, remembering something she said last night. He’s catching himself doing the little things she says he does (e.g. avoiding confrontation, slouching). Somehow it doesn’t bother Boy that Girl makes a point of correcting his flaws. He finds the sharp tongue sexy, and adores the cutting wit.
See Girl, sexy.
See Boy, sprung.
It must be that he’s into her.
2.
Weeks pass. The magic doesn’t. Is this Boy’s soul mate? Could this be L***? Sure, they haven’t put a label on what they’re doing. But he’s a boy: he doesn’t need to. Sure, certain things stick out to him: (1) the majority of Girl’s “closest friends” are boys; (2) she never says whether she’s doing whatever they’re doing with someone else. But Boy doesn’t care. When he adds it all up⎯how well she understands him, how quickly they clicked⎯Boy knows Girl is something special. And, come on. Let’s be frank. Girl’s a girl. Eventually, she’ll come knocking on his door, asking for a commitment, as all girls do. He’ll just wait.
And so Boy waits.
And waits. And waits. And waits. His boys start to ask, “What’s up with your girl?” He scoffs at their chiding; they don’t understand. Boy has never felt so comfortable so soon with so sexy a woman in his life. Yeah, she’s a little skittish about commitment⎯but so is he, and all of his friends. It’s refreshing to have finally found a girl who isn’t trying to tie him down. It works. Girl doesn’t like to rush into things and Boy doesn’t want a relationship. If anything, he finds it funny how much her game resembles his.
She’s constantly using lines on him he swears he’s used on other girls, e.g. “Why do we have to define what we’re doing? We’re just having fun.” Indeed. There’s a bit of the pimp in this girl and he likes it. A bit of the player. The smooth operator. He’s amused by her coy-and-coquettish pretensions. He likes the way she flirts. Besides. For all her neo-Bohemian talk about “who needs labels?” and “we’re just friends,” Girl always sounds so happy when he calls, and is always so willing to talk.
He’s never met another person (boy or girl) this interested in him. Girl never stops asking questions or developing theories about Boy’s life. Everything about him fascinates her: his childhood hurts, his wildest dreams, his deepest secrets, his greatest fears—above all, his past relationships. Girl gets him. And she gets to him. He tells her things he’s never told. Something about her inspires his trust, and she rewards that trust with counsel. She admonishes him to be more courageous, encourages him to pursue his dreams, soothes his guilt, and echoes his conscience: You’re stronger than you know.
See Girl, believing in Boy.
See Boy, believing her.
It must be that she’s into him. How else does she do it?
Every so often she’ll look at him with eyes so clearly seeing that he’d leave the room, were the feeling of exposure not so oddly freeing. In Girl, Boy finds the unprecedented chance to show the self he knows the least ⎯ to tell the truths and be the things he hides the best and fears the most. In her gentle voice, Girl shines a light on the hurts of his past and his fears for the future, showing him what she sees in him: a wonderful, powerful Man.
It’s a wonderful, powerful (beguiling) thing: Girl’s singular gift for affirmation, the knowledge of what Boy needs to hear and the vocabulary words to say it. Every time Boy starts to heed his boys and believe that Girl’s not into him, they’ll have another tête-à-tête some five, six hours long. The night winds down, the sun comes up, and still he’s sharing, telling, talking⎯baring his frail and truest self for Girl’s most gentle purview.
How could she be faking it? There’s such a Deep Connection. It’s obvious that Girl is into him. She’s just afraid to show it. She’s been hurt before. She’s in a “difficult space.” She’s in “a complicated situation” (still). She has a needy ex. Her ex wants her back (who wouldn’t?). She is confused. She cares for Boy, but not “like that”—or so she says (as said, she’s confused). Girl doesn’t know what she wants right now. But Boy knows what she needs.
She needs to learn to trust again. She needs a source of stability. In time she’ll see what she has in Boy. And Boy will be there waiting. He will help Girl mend her fearful heart ⎯ the least he can do in return for her care. She will work up the courage to confess her love. He is certain already of his.
3.
Poor Boy.
Weeks pass. And with them, the magic. Girl and Boy fall out of synch. They still share private jokes, Pad Thai, a Deep Connection, and movie nights. They laugh and joke. She spends the night. He wipes her tears. She hears his cry. He does things for her (i.e. heavy lifting); she chooses things for him (i.e. flat-front pants). But he calls her once, and there’s a man in the background. When he calls her back, she’s too tired to talk. Something is changing with subtlety and suddenness, and Boy doesn’t know what it is.
Perhaps this is Girl’s moody side? The ying to her Kenzo-scented yang? Perhaps Boy is obliged to accept this second dimension, as Girl has accepted him. But the more he tries to accommodate Girl and her Friends-With-Benefits-In-Perpetuity paradigm, the more annoyed she seems to become, the more hostile even, confrontational. It’s almost as if Girl wants to provoke him, to get him to react to her (steadily-increasing) jabs. Soon the signs are obvious. There are other boys. Boy turns to his friends. They insist: she’s not that into him.
But Boy cannot accept this.
What about that First Conversation? What about their Deep Connection? Unless Girl is a sociopath, she must be feeling something. How could they talk for six hours straight if they didn’t share a mutual bond? Why did Girl spend the night last night if she doesn’t know what she wants? Why does she bother to affirm, to encourage, to admonish even⎯if she doesn’t care? How do you explain how Girl makes him feel, if she’s not that into him?
She’s that into everyone.
[ The "G" ]
Girl is of a certain type. Let’s call it the Type-G Personality. A Type-G woman (or, for simplicity’s sake, a “G”) is deeply fascinated by people. Gregarious, charming, and a consummate flirt, she is a student of the human being. Like a psychotherapist or a journalist, she loves hearing people’s stories. And how quickly she gets people’s stories out of them.
By the time you’re on your second drink, she’s already uncovered your parent’s divorce, your fifth grade crush, your ex’s faults, your early retirement pipe dreams. There’s just something about her that makes people talk. And talk. And talk. And she knows it. If you ever want make a “G” laugh, just ask her how many times she’s heard the words: “I’ve never told anyone this before, but…”. It’s pandemic.
When a man meets a “G,” he is instantly struck by her prodigious gifts of communication: how fluently she speaks, how comfortable he feels, how well she understands him. The net effect of this fluency is the sensation of connectedness. Men are constantly telling the (unsurprised) “G” how connected to her they feel. These men are not delusional; the G connects to everyone well. The problem is, the source of the connection is her⎯not him, or them.
If he’s never met a “G” before (or hasn’t read this article), a man can easily become confused by the way a “G” makes him feel. He’ll likely assume that what he feels is a reflection of her feelings for him, or the natural product of a very unique connection between them both. He is wrong. Both his comfort with her and her interest in him are expressions of her personality—namely, the genuine listening-and-understanding capacity and impulse unique to her kind.
[ The Misconceptions ]
Let us return to Boy and Girl (circa, “See Girl Sexy, See Boy Sprung”). The First Misconception of Boy is this: that his connection with Girl is unique. Boy believes, after Big Conversation #1, that he’s found a girl so into him that she’ll talk to him for hours and hours and do it again the next night. Boy assumes that Girl went home after Big Conversation #1 just as he did: amazed by their instant connection, aroused, and eager for their next interaction.
This, of course, is human nature: the benign assumption of shared sensation (i.e. ‘what is unique for me is unique for her’; ‘this is equally new for us both’). Of course, if Boy had posed better questions to Girl, he might have discovered that she was a “G,” a girl who makes most of the boys she meets feel charming, charmed, and talkative. But Boy didn’t really ask any questions. He was just so delighted to talk so freely, that he did just that, to Girl’s delight. And hence, the problem. They’re both delighted — for different reasons entirely.
Girl is delighted to hear a new story; she’s genuinely interested in people. Boy is delighted that Girl appears so genuinely interested in him. By the time Boy makes his own subtle probes and discovers Girl’s general effect on boys, he is so convinced of the novelty of their bond that he truly believes he is different.
Oh, Boy.
The Second Misconception of Boy is this: that he is The Exception. In fairness to Girl (and to “G”s more generally), Girl never lied to Boy. A “G” is always honest about her peculiar effect on people. But each man believes he is different from the last — and that he can make help Girl change.
Girl tells Boy she won’t commit, that they’re just friends, that she’s broken hearts. But Boy believes that time will prove him worthier than his predecessors. In a classic display of cognitive dissonance, Boy dismisses the warning signs. The facts tell Boy that this is Love: they talk all night, she understands. Girl tells Boy that this is Girl: she understands most people.
To reconcile the conflicting information, Boy asserts his individuality. He is not “most people.” He is different! And because he is different, Girl will change. Of course, it doesn’t go down like that. Girl doesn’t change; she just changes her mind. Her new mantra: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” And Boy starts acting…girly. He wants to know (he needs to know!) that he’s not just another notch on her belt. She wants to know where she can find a new boy. The one she has is too into her.
[ The End ]
Our story does not end well.
Eventually, it becomes evident to the “G” (and all onlookers) that her besotted friend-with-benefits is more into her than she is into him. Yet and still, he sticks around. This, she perceives as weakness. Weakness in others is a huge turn-off for the”G,” who fears weakness in herself (and requires strength from her partner). A “G” never tires of identifying her own flaws, or seeking out ways to fix them. But she is too hard on herself, and therefore too hard on others. Even those whose potential she extols.
And here’s the rub. The “G” has a great (and genuine) fondness for the potential of her romantic partners. At some point, she was either undervalued or misunderstood, and is sympathetic to this experience in others. This is why men find it so easy to talk about their past experiences with a “G.” The little defeats that men rarely confess⎯envy of an older brother, not making the varsity team⎯instill in them the same sort of disappointment the “G” has known and overcome. The “G” knows just what questions to ask and what kind of advice to give to get a person to see himself clearly.
But before she can be a lasting partner, the “G” must learn to see herself.
Stay tuned for the follow-up: How to See the G You’re Seeing. Hint: to love a girl a lot like this, you’ll need the gift of sight.
Through out the evening, I sang, “The American Dream” in my head a few times–hoping he didn’t notice.
The first date began as most dates do…a phone call to set-it up….follow up call, and meeting for drinks, apps and maybe laughs. Unfortunately, this first date will go down as the FIRST “THIS IS AWKWARD” date of the week.